Will you cry?

"When you talk, you get shallow. Where I walk, you don't follow. When I scream, you're my echo. Will you cry if I let go?”

Driving back from Brown toward my Pennsylvania home, I could sense the weight of everything pressing down on me like a burden. Everything between the three of us seemed to be broken, destined for sorrow. Conrad Fisher was done with me; he hated me, and I struggled to understand the gravity of it all.

For most of my life, I thought things were set in motion, my saving grace. But when I kissed Jeremiah, I believed in this— in us. A belief in him and his golden retriever heart. Yet, now, with rain pouring down relentlessly from the skies, confusion clouded my mind. I felt lost. didn’t know what I was doing. I gave Conrad the chance to reject me one more time, even after pleading with him over and over again. He made it clear he didn’t want me anymore, so I had to let him go. Still, his gaze held a mixture of hate, pity, and indifference. But this time, tears didn’t come. Yet, through his pained expression, I knew he wanted me to let him go, to shut him out so no one could see he was hurting. As Conrad occupied the backseat of the car, his jabs at Jeremiah were personal. He was doing what he always did… pretending like nothing mattered. If only he would tell me how he truly felt, maybe it could mean something. But this, this wasn’t right. It hurt. 

Just when we all believed everything would be okay, it all unraveled. And it was my fault, wasn’t it? I’m the one who messed it all up. I told Susannah so, too when I went to see her that last time. I was the one to blame, and I knew it. It was my doing. I remember her pale, fragile physique and the way she wheezed softly every few moments. She was hooked up to monitors and machines to help steady her breathing in those final days, and I thought she seemed less than human. This wasn’t my Susannah. But when her gaze met mine, I knew it was still her. “My favorite girl,” she whispered softly, her voice gentle, and it broke me to see her like this. But I wanted to put on a brave front for her. I tried, but nothing seemed right. Everything was a mess. I understood it then, and sitting in the car with Conrad and Jeremiah, I knew it, too.

Nightfall came, sweeping the skies in glistening darkness illuminated by stars. Conrad knew me in ways I still didn’t understand; even his choice of sour patch catered to my inner child. He knew I thought Swedish fish tasted like candles. The rain intensified, as though it was this unbearable agony shared among the three of us. I was stuck in the middle, trapped in a void devoid of brightness and starlight. The windshield wipers dispelled the rain, their motions growing increasingly aggressive. Traffic had been slow due to the rain that would become a flood advisory. Up ahead, all that lay in front of us was darkness until I saw police lights illuminating the way in front of us.

We found temporary relief at a nearby gas station before Jeremiah said that the cashier mentioned a motel a few miles away. By the time we arrived, it was already midnight. I was met with impossible, agonizing decisions I wasn’t ready to make. In the single-bed motel room, an awkward silence hung in the air. The raw ache in my chest kept gnawing at me. After a shower, I climbed into bed that night with a million questions, uncertainties, and a deep heaviness within my chest. In the darkness, Jeremiah said goodnight but no one suggested checking for anything on TV.

Throughout the night, I tossed and turned, lost in confusion. Then, in the shy silence, there was Conrad, saying, “Earlier? When I said I never wanted you, I didn’t mean it.” I was at a loss for words, unsure if I was even supposed to say anything. I had been waiting for Conrad to admit his feelings, to open up, to let me in. His words both taunted and thrilled me. He repeated himself and then fell asleep. I lay there in my king-sized bed, lost in thought. Memories flooded back, the fireplace, Thanksgiving, last summer, every word Conrad ever said to me. If what he said was true, what did it mean for us? Did it mean anything? But then I remembered what happened with Jeremiah at Brown, his wanting and needing me like an electric drug. Everything inside me felt more alive and awake than ever before. Yet, I knew that the moment I fell asleep, it would all be over.

The next morning, I headed outside to search for Jeremiah after finding him gone. I started dreaming about our future, Finch, and that’s when I knew I couldn’t let him go. When I tried to call him and I was met with Jeremiah’s voicemail, I nearly cried; losing him seemed so close yet so far away.

But there Jeremiah stood, holding breakfast, and at that moment, I didn’t want to lose him. Not like this. Not now. Before he could say anything about Conrad and me, I leaned closer toward him. I reached over and grabbed the breakfast bag from him. He couldn’t even look at me. “What am I thinking?” I asked him, my eyes filling with curiosity and hope— for us, for Jeremiah. He looked pained and hopeful all at the same time as if the wrong words would shatter him again, and he couldn’t take it. “You know,” I answered. I could see Jeremiah was afraid, afraid of being hurt again, and I made a promise to myself at that moment that I would never inflict that pain on him again. I cared about him too much to do that. Then, like yesterday, we kissed intensely, like we were the only two people in the world, and there was nobody else, not even Conrad. Conrad, who I had dreamed about for my entire life; Conrad, who had once again rejected me. Jeremiah was open, eager, and we kissed like two people who had lost each other once and refused to let go again. It felt like the most right thing I had done in a long time. 

When I returned to the motel room, I found Conrad packing his backpack, like he was in a hurry. I waited, but he refused to look at me. We stood there, near the edge of the bed in this campy motel room saying nothing. But it was the kind of silence that spoke volumes. In his eyes, there was no hint of what happened between us last night in the hushed darkness before we fell asleep. “Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it,” he said with finality.

We were finally over. I stared at him, the weight of it all constricting my throat and running through my veins. Sadness wrapped around me softly, because I felt something inside of me break and collapse into thin air by his words. It became clear that I would never look at Conrad the same way ever again. I would never be the kind of girl who rushed back to him at every turn, each time he pulled away. The girl who loved him no matter what. I didn’t want to be that girl anymore.

I couldn't even be mad at him, because this was who he was. This was who he had always been; he never lied about that. He gave and then he took away. I felt the loss in the brunt of my chest, an agonizing ache only Conrad could give me. At that moment, I never wanted to experience this pain again.

Perhaps this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe this was the reason we had come here, to say goodbye. To let each other go. Because if I didn’t do it now, I never would. But friends seemed like this figment of my imagination, a dream-like haze of sorrow because I was losing him again. So I release you, Conrad Fisher.

Then, following his gaze, I spotted the infinity necklace beneath the comforter. It was the one he had gotten me for my birthday last summer, nestled within the sheets of the king-sized bed where I had slept the evening before. Conrad reached out and handed it to me. “I don’t want to keep it anymore,” he murmured softly, in a way that made it feel like a dream. In my hand, lay the necklace that made me want to drown in a river of tears.

I realized I had to move on because our chapter had closed. Back in Pennsylvania, there was volleyball camp— a final act of solace and solitude. I knew I had made a mess of things for far too long, and this was my chance to make things right. The one thing I could fix. Now that I had let Conrad go, this was the one thing I knew I could control.

When I used to picture forever, it had always been with the same boy. Conrad Fisher was the one I dreamed about. The one I longed for and ached for, but he also made me feel so whole. Nothing about this summer was what I had pictured. But now, Jeremiah was mine, and for a moment it seemed right. Little did I know this would not be the last time I would lose them both. But if I’m being honest, it’s not summer without you.