I know I should hate you

"I just drank something strong to try to forget, but it wasn't right. No, you're not even here, but you're doin' my head in. I know that I should hate you."

Tonight was our last night in Cousins Beach, the last night we would call the house ours, and with a flicker, that would all be over. In a moment, Susannah’s magic would be gone. Everything seems to be falling apart, as if the immense weight of the universe was collapsing beneath my feet. The house, now empty and devoid of a million promises of summer, stood as a hollow floorboard.

The beach house, more like a second home, was no longer mine. Instead, it wreaked misery and loneliness. Susannah was dead, Conrad and I barely looked at each other, as if nothing happened, and I stood in the house all alone.

The wound that Susannah left was overgrown– painful and raw, a hurt that would never heal. But I was a mess, nothing was going right, and I couldn’t help but want to fix it. All of us filled the summer house with party streamers, balloons, a disco ball, and anything Conrad, Jeremiah, and I could find at Party City. But standing in front of Conrad in that aisle hurt me. We had pretended like we were nothing to each other, that whatever this was, meant nothing, and it killed me. We stared at each other, wanting and needing him to feel something for me other than pity or indifference. Something that would show he truly cared.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it, how to apologize for that day. Susannah’s funeral. I never meant to make that day about me. I was awful to you,” I said it all out loud, trying to get the words out as quickly as possible, even if it felt like they didn’t mean a thing. I was so ashamed of the way I acted, I didn't care how stupid or ineffectual the words seemed, I wanted him to know that I said them. 

At the party, I made my way around the house, passing around drinks and throwing away empty cans, greeting a boy sporting a Led Zeppelin tee and a girl wearing cowboy boots. Conrad watched me, his arms crossed like a soldier guarding his post. I was trying to make everyone feel at home. Susannah was always the perfect hostess; she had this way about her that made everyone feel welcome— wanted, like they were people she exchanged deep stories with. When Travis from Video World propped his feet onto the coffee table, nearly toppling our hurricane vase, I rolled my eyes, exclaiming, “Careful! And take your feet off the furniture.” 

Outside, Skye’s words of a million more summers carried a sense of hope and promise, which made Jeremiah and I squeal and exclaim, reminiscent of children on Christmas morning, but Conrad’s words were even and pragmatic. Using this house was almost like an excuse for why Jere despised Conrad, and I hated him for it. When Jere said Conrad tossed me aside the same way he did the summer house, it broke me. Hearing Jeremiah admit that Conrad came to him last autumn and sought his blessing to be with me was surprise, to say the least. I hadn't expected Conrad to be so honest, especially with Jeremiah. But when I realized I was only a pawn in Jere’s feud with his brother, I ran. I was hurt. "Don't use me to get to him," I told Jere irritably, pushing him away like I was clearing obstacles in my path. He spoke like I was nothing to him.

Walking toward the beach house, I seized an untouched bottle of tequila and took a deep, burning sip that scratched my throat. In a trance-like state, I moved as if sleepwalking through a thick, heavy fog that made the weight of the night seem heavier. I felt as though I were a comet streaking across the sky, soaring freely with no one to stop me. Descending the steps, I stumbled, racing along the beach. The house, illuminated with people inside, seemed impossibly distant, almost as if it existed millions of miles away. I sensed Conrad following behind me, and I didn’t have to know it was him. Still, I turned around, as though he was the very person I had waited for since I was a little girl. The boy I had daydreamed about, the one I held hopes for, the one who I could make smile if he let me. Taking a swig of tequila felt as familiar as any routine as if I had done it countless times before— like I was the kind of girl who could drink straight from the bottle.

Moving toward the water, a mischievous smile played on my lips, like a secret haunted by the moon's gentle glow. A gentle whisper of the summer breeze. I was testing him.

“Belly,” Conrad’s voice carried a hint of warning. “I’m telling you now, I’m not going to pull your dead body out of the ocean if you drown.” My words slurred, their rhythm uneven, and I was already beginning to cry, tracing wet paths down my cheeks. “Leave me alone,” I said. Suddenly, the prospect of swimming didn’t seem like such a great idea as frigid water crept up just past my knees. But I hated backing down to Conrad. I hated losing to him as if I were a child he needed to save and protect.

“Are you going to stop me?” I persisted, taking another sip of tequila in a haze. There was an emptiness that seemed to bore into my chest. Anything to make him pay attention. But I couldn’t bring myself to move away. If I did, it was like acknowledging defeat. I propelled myself forward, drawn closer to the water, my feet sinking slightly under the weight of the water. The tide had receded, leaving me shivering in its wake beneath the kaleidoscope of celestial tragedy. It was stupid because I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.

Just as disappointment began to envelop me, just when I had accepted that he didn’t care, Conrad moved toward me. Gently, as if pushed by a silent ghost of wind, he drew closer. Then, much to my dismay, he lifted me onto his shoulders. I shrieked, my fists pounding against his back, and a drum of frustration and annoyance hit me. I sounded like a petulant kid denied a birthday wish when I begged him to put me down, yelping defiantly. But Conrad ignored me; he responded harshly and without emotion, “You’re drunk, Belly.” Yet, for a moment, there was a hint of concern in his tone.

For a rare moment, my words seemed to carry weight for him; he listened. He set me down, on the soft embrace of the sand. He put his hand out for me to grab, but I smacked it away. “Just go!” I told him. The heaviness in my chest grew more elevated when I felt myself falling, like I was losing face and it pained me to admit when I was being a fool in front of Conrad. I was embarrassed of myself, I knew it, a tide threatening to drown me. I had ruined everything.

“I’m not leaving you, Belly,” His words were strained and harsh, spoken through ruffled breaths that stabbed at my stomach. As I stood, the world spun around me, disorientation engulfing me, colliding with my mind and heart. I didn’t understand how he could hurt me time and time again, and still, come rushing back. “But you already did,” I whispered.

My knees trembled under me as if I were a gust of air being pushed to the side. Sweeping strands of sandy hair from my face in the darkness, I took a deep breath. There was no turning back now. This was my last chance before the chapter would be over. I had to say it. I had to tell him. “Why didn’t you tell me you went to Jeremiah about us?” His expression resembled a closed door. My lips quivered, my voice betraying my desperation in its high-pitched echo. I was crying, and I hated that I was crying, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t stop. I had to keep talking because if I didn’t say anything, this would all be over. It would be final. “Why? If I had known that you'd done that... That… that you cared that much about me, and about us... If I had known, then I would've fought for you.” My mind was running, why couldn’t he just let me in? 

Conrad blinked, once and then again, like a moment of vulnerability seeping through. His voice was high when he questioned me, a trace of confusion opening a door to summer possibilities. Wiping my cheeks and my runny nose, I continued, “I would've fought for us. I mean, at prom and at the funeral. I mean, I would've been there for you, through everything.”

“I thought you knew. I thought you knew. From the moment we kissed on the beach, I thought you knew.” My steps brought me back closer to him, and Conrad remained still, like a tree rooted in place— we were close enough to kiss. Conrad's voice beamed with sincerity and hopefulness, but the words hurt to hear. If I moved closer, our hearts would touch. Holding my breath, I wanted so badly for things to be like before— I remembered every word he ever said to me. I remembered how we spoke every day on the phone last fall. I remembered the snow angels we made on the beach in December; my first time seeing a snowy beach. I remembered how he kissed me, his lips tasting like salty air. 

“Why did you throw it all away? Why?” I begged and pleaded, my voice still high-pitched and shaky. I stood before him, my eyes pained and broken. Nothing felt right between us. His gaze was soft but distant, even though he was standing right in front of me. “I thought that we loved each other,” my voice caught, my throat aching from crying.

Taking another step closer, he said, “We did.” I knew he meant it because he didn’t look at me when he said it. But it still hurt hearing him say it, like erasing everything we once had.

“I guess not enough,” I managed, and I said the one thing I knew would hurt him the way he had hurt me. We locked eyes with each other for a fleeting moment, as though our emotions were tangled, aching for our hands to intertwine. I didn't care anymore; I just wanted to go to bed. Before Conrad could walk away from me, he took a single step closer. I didn't wait for him to answer me, the weariness settling in, my body heavy. I felt like I was going to be sick. I started walking away, and Conrad didn't follow me; he stood in the sand, his face falling. Suddenly, the moment was over. It was an ‘almost’ moment, where almost anything could’ve happened, but he had made it be over. 

Back at the house, people were swimming in the pool with their clothes. A group of girls twirled sparklers in the air. Navigating through all the people on the deck, I found my way back into the house. Amidst the commotion, my foot accidentally landed on a girl's foot, and she screamed. “Sorry, I said,” I mumbled, my voice distant and detached. In the crowd of people, standing in front of me was Jeremiah, my emotions were running rampant. I wanted to run into his arms and hug him, but I knew I had no right. I started to remember everything he said before, using me to get back at Conrad, like a heartless game played at his expense. I turned, noticing Conrad standing behind me; his expression was one of defeat and pain as if he had carried the weight of both for too long. I couldn't bring myself to confront either of them, and they could barely look one another in the eye. Shaking my head, I shifted my gaze back to Jeremiah, only to find him walking away– Fading away like an elusive daydream amidst the night sky and natural glow of the stars.

Feeling dizzy and longing for my bed, I crawled up the stairs like a crab, the way I used to do when I was a child. I stumbled into my room, collapsing onto the floor— the room was an empty shell of my childhood in the tapestry of stars and darkness. As the room spun around me, my grip faltered, dropping the tequila bottle when my head hit the pillow on the floor. And all of a sudden, I remembered everything I said to Conrad, and then I started to cry. I was embarrassed and I was ashamed of myself. I made a real fool of myself out on that beach. Everything was messed up. Susannah was dead, the house was no longer ours, and I gave Conrad the chance to reject me one more time. I hated myself for what had happened, but I knew if I hadn’t said anything, I never would have. Suddenly, I just wanted my mother. Fumbling for my phone, the screen illuminated the dreary, dark summer night. My mother didn’t pick up; it was four o’clock in the morning, and I was sure she was asleep. 

“Mommy?” My voice came out hoarse and defeated, and through my tears, words were foreign to me. Her voicemail made me cry harder like I was in pain and my mother’s comfort was a distant star in the sky. I felt like a stranger to myself. “I need you. I’m at the summer house, Susannah’s house, except it’s not hers anymore. And everything is going wrong. The boys may never speak to each other again. Just come, please, okay? Just come and fix it.” Like the movies, the room spun in the air, leaving me unsettled. Suddenly, the phone felt very heavy in the palm of my weak hand, and I hung up. My head throbbed, and my heart ached with an intensity of hurt I never felt before. Slowly, I closed my eyes, and the nauseating feelings only worsened. But my eyelids grew heavier, and soon I was asleep.